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have you ever been looked down on ?? ever felt that horrible loneliness that just haunts you ?? do you know what it feels like to be laughed at ?? i always knew it was really hurtful for one especially my age, but i didn't really understand how it felt till just now.. ARGH !!! it felt horrible!! erk, adding to that i felt so lonely there just now, running and waving my racket amongst unfamiliar faces, jogging round the court many many times without a physical someone i can call friend beside me, just God and me. but the thing is, in these situations, i dun want to be lonely, in these situations, loneliness haunts me like a nightmare i can't escape.. running to-and-fro the court and training was fun, it was what i wanted to do, but i wish i had a friend be waiting at the bench after my turn was over, to smile at me and say '' jia you ! '' or to just sit beside me. i didn't get that chance, instead, everytime my turn was over, i walked back to a bench sitted by a bunch of stuck-up boys laughing at me, whispering dunno what and staring at me with faces that didn't even have a trace of friendliness on it... at one point i tried to hear what they were saying while it was my turn to play, they weren't talking very loud but i managed to get a few chunks of words.. stupid of me to try to hear what they were saying, no point anyway, i ended up more hurt than ever, stupid me !! but at least i learned something, maybe God has a plan for me through this to touch their lives or perhaps change mine. who knows, maybe ??
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i remember those sweet sweet memories with you those times where you took my hand the moments where you took me away far away from my troubles, far from this world into a secret place only you and i knew i remember the wonderful things you showed me the stories you told me before i slept the scene of the dance the day i sang to you our song i remember the time i fell i came back to you crying i fell at your feet by your mercy and grace you hugged me you said " child, stand up again " those beautiful moments still float in my head those memories of you and me shall always be with me but someone once said the higher you climb the lower you fall so true so so true look where i am now i come back to you like a lost sheep returning to the shepherd i try but my sinful self pulls me deeper into the pit i tried but failed yet again again and again until i want to give up but your word says keep on knocking and you will open the door keep on asking and you will answer in James you taught me to ask with faith and you would gladly give to me whatever i ask for i am reminded of the stories of faith the heroes you called your friends the great people you called " men after your own heart " i ask of you now i dun want to BE those people i want to be unique like nobody you ever knew i ask that you answer my prayer i want to be in the Holy of holies to see you heart to heart heartbeat to heartbeat take my hand cleanse me and make me clean again i'm in the deepest of pits i've ever been it feels horrible and lonely would you forgive me ?? drawing near to you again i pray that you answer me i pray that you hear my silent cry the cry that sounds louder that any other that i've experienced faith is believing the unseen i believe that you WILL answer me thy will be done in my life amen Labels: asking
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pmr is over !!!!!!! hahahaha... was almost jumping in my exam chair at the last paper !!! argh!! yes, that feeling of satisfaction!! i know i've given it my all... i give it all to you Father, all to you!!! =)hm... i actually dunno what to say here anymore , so many stuffys to do .. all the better ! can keep me occupied and in line, so i won't waste my time. praise God Labels: wow
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The great Francis of Asissi once said : " Welcome, sister death ! " i can't express how much i love him but i really really do. All the tears and prayers repeat in my head again and again, the lyrics of his song ring in my ears.. i couldn't help but cry, i was scared. i wasn't scared of death, but of what God told me.. yet again, HE reminded me that ah kong is saved, even if nobody saw it, even if nobody believes me, still i will have faith to BELIEVE that God has brought him home.. when i reached home, i stood at ah kong's room door, gazing into the empty room, trying to take it all in. How i wished i could say " hi ah kong, i'm home. " .. i normally don't have much to say to him but in my heart i was bursting with words to say, i loved him so much. but after a while, worries and worries flooded my head, thinking over and over again about what was to happen now .. i was feeling scared of all that was about to happen , but then a verse came to my mind : " He who is in us is far greater than who is against us. " Death isn't something to fear but it is something that is closer than we think Death is merely on earth merely a transition to a better place or perhaps worse Death for those who know the Lord it is not something to mourn or grieve about instead it is something to celebrate for we are going HOME nevertheless Father my prayer is this that this one death will bring this family to you. AMEN. Labels: i'm ok
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i need someone to hold that someone is YOU YOU amen
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sometimes when i'm in a crowd, i love the noise and the laughther and talk ; but sometimes in a room full of ppl, i feel really really uncomfortable and dislike it ; in the same way, i love the loneliness sometimes but at times i hate it till i cry to myself . When i sit with someone, i sometimes can chat so long with that someone until i run out of saliva, but with the same someone at another time, i may be digging my mind for things to say and dun get any.. Weird ?? i'm quiet yet talkative , i love loneliness yet i also love ppl , i love silence yet also music , THEY ARE DIRECT OPPOSITES!! how can i be 2 persons in one life ? according to the personality test , i'm melancholy-sanguin. when i told that to somebody, he said " thats impossible !! they are direct opposites !! " that made me think, ya, its weird but THATS ME .. you can't change my personality, only God can. then comes the question : why did God create me with 2 personalities that contrast so much ?? i'm most of the time Me, and thats the way i want it to be. I dun want to be not-me. but i still can't figure out this opposite-sanguin-melancholy-impossible thing. will papa tell me why ?? i hope he does. but even if he dosen't, i dun mind. Anyway, i'm HIS, and whatever he does with me isn't for me to decide. all that i know is he loves me for the way i am. God create me like this, i have to love it, but i must know that i still have to correct the flaws. God created a jar it looked weird and some say it was but God said " i dun think so i love it for the way it is it just has to correct the weaknesses nevertheless it is wonderfully made because I made it. "
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 (it looks something like that, just different colour and fatter children haha ) so i sat down where in front of me was " The toddlers Songbook " which i found yesterday afternoon. haha.. i flipped through the pages of the short rectangle book and soon found myself singing " toddlers " songs, Songs like " eensy Weensy spider" and " Old MacDonald" .. haha, kinda funny to think of it now. This songbook was my favourite book when i was little, i remember myself about 5 or 6 years old, sitting at that same piano, playing the same songs and singing it out loud to myself just like i did yesterday.. haha, the only things that were diffrerent was that i was shorter will shorter fingers and my legs probably couldn't reach the paddle yet. =) i still love these songs really really much!! seriously, they are the most harmless, the cutest yet good songs .. unlike some of the songs today that are having " wrong principals" Thank God for the person who wrote Eensy Weensy Spider because that guy is a genius!!!!!!! Labels: eee ya ee ya yo
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joan lee xing ern , loves God and is loving every minute i spend with Him.. loves designing,singing,playing the piano and praying... God is the king of my heart and my life and He will always be.. Memories
→ November 2007 parts of my life
Chien Wei Andrinna Chris Elaine Eunice Gideon HuiYing Isaac(koko) Jaeson Jamie Jean Jem Jit Jo Joel John Josie Joy(jiejie) Joyce Justin Ly Mei Qi Mich Mun Nat Ng Paulus(koko) Pris Ryan Sze Ying Wei Ling Xue Qi YIn Ying Yiwan Wenjia Yosh Bryan Boo Marcus Eunice Wong Esther Jessica Naomi Sue Ann Waiyan Yvonne scream
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